Depression

I think this post may stray away from the general topic of this blog but it's my blog and I can do whatever the fuck I want with it.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression in the 7th grade. I spent a short time with a councilor and then was taken to a psychiatrist. The difference between the two, for those of you who are unaware, is that a councilor or psychologist is just someone who you talk to and helps you work through whatever the situation may be with you. A psychiatrist on the other hand, deals mainly with prescribing medicines (something a psychologist is not able to do). Ideally, someone in therapy responds better when both methods are used. Anyways, I was put on anti-depressant and sent on my way. It worked... for a little bit but I took it anyways up until my senior year of high school. I started on 50mg of it and by the time I took myself of I was up to 250mg plus 10mg of Prozac. Nice little cocktail.

Now I know, after years of the same battle, that I won't ever actually kill myself. For the most part, everything's under control. I tried medicine again last year when I did happen to hit a very hard low but once again, I haven't found any that are really effective and don't fuck with my ability to sleep. Every once in awhile, on days like today, I just get... bummed. I am, just as the word describes, depressed. Yet, I often wondered if I've been misdiagnosed. OCD and Bi-Polar disorder run in my family, not clinical depression. Certainly doesn't mean that I couldn't be the first but I do notice that I do go through intense highs and lows. I notice the lows more because its debilitating. I can't work, study, think, or do anything but lay in bed when it's at its worse. The aforementioned very hard low was just that. I couldn't get myself out of bed in the morning any more. Now, I certainly don't enjoy going to class or work but I am normally self motivated enough to drag my ass out of bed anyways and go. Last year was the only serious time that I actually considering institutionalized. At the end of it all, I had dropped half my course load and forced myself to finish the semester with what was absolutely essential to my degree.

How did this work with being a Christian, a Catholic at that? I blamed myself. I was sensible enough to know that being a Christian doesn't mean you are constantly happy. Sounds stupid, but I've heard that one quite a bit. However, when I was depressed, I would always jump to the conclusion that it was because something was wrong with my relationship with god. My last two statements contradict. How could I accept that Christianity did not equal constant happiness and yet feel as if my depression was brought on by offending god? It's the difference between intellectual assent and practice, like ideal culture and real culture. What you say and what you do are not always consistent.

I often prayed and begged for this "weakness" to be removed and when it remained either it was because of my own sin or it was to be my thorn, the thing that makes me rely on god, rely on faith.

From 2 Corinthians ^"7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. ^10"

^{What kind of god intentionally makes someone weak, allows people to be tormented, just to make himself look good, to show his own power? Why would an almighty God need for people to suffer in order for him to do his work? Wouldn't be a better display of mercy and power to remove such an illness?}

Gah.. this is just another reason why I despise this kind of self-depreciating thinking. The Bible, with all it's murders, genocide, racism, and sexism, not only in it's content, but often commanded or enacted by god himself has no value for human life. Humans are to grovel at the feet of this almighty, merciless dictator, born into a losing cosmic battle and having no internal worth but worth only in their service to the deity.

A god who slaughters the first born child of every non Jewish family is not a god of love
A god who condones genocide, commands the death of entire people is not a god of love
A god who commands petty crimes to be punished by death is not a god of love
A god who willing kills his own son to cover someone else's ass is not a god of love
A god who drowns the entire population of the earth except for a single family is not a god of love
A god who endorses racism, sexism, and slavery is not a god of love